Get to know ''Fear''

Something all of us know is the emotional state of fear. It can be something that happend quickly and scared you, or fear can be experienced through a trauma. But what is fear? And why do we feel scared in some situations?
Fear itself is mainly starting in your thoughts, followed up by a fysical reaction. Our bodies are using fear to warn us for danger and to make sure we will survive. Fysical reactions are mostly related to a phenomenon called 'fight or flight mode' and I want to add to the the possibility of 'freeze' to that. These fysical reactions differ per person and are part of a very deep subconsious evolution structure. Before the fysical reactions actually happen, a whole mental process is going on in the brain. Sometimes the brain responds to fear  by quickly looking for all the ways out of the situation, or by overthinking and blocking your ability to react. Just know, all of these reactions are totally okay and before being able to be aware of them it is very hard to understand, let alone change them.
So now let's link these explanations of fear to the topic we advocate for: Domestic violence. Is there a pattern regarding fear in these violent situations? Yes, most of the time there absolutely is. In many cases the survivor has reached a point of fear where they are too scared to even leave the situation.
But how does it get this far and can you recognize this before hand?
One of the first  things thats starts to inflict fear into a person's mind is: the perceivance of lack/dependence. When you feel like you really really NEED this other person you are more likely to compromise or even agree with them even when you actually do not. You feel like you need them and that you should not do anything that could possibly make them leave you. How to solve this? Only start a commitment when you have sat with yourself as a person, know what values you stand for and what you have to offer. Be very sure of yourself!! I will write about how to get more confident soon :).
Once you sense this other person is trying to force control over you by trying to push you into compromising against your will, this is a red flag! By being aware and knowing yourself it is easier to see this technique through, detach and react accordingly.
The second technique of how fear is inflicted in a violent situation is by repetition. You can think of the example of teaching a puppy how to sit, by repeating it over and over it will become second nature and the puppy doesn't know any different than to sit.  If someone is lowering your self esteem repetitively, and you do not reflect on this behaviour with people on the outside, it is almost impossible for you to remain confident! This is for every single human being in the world, it doesn't matter on your culture or education etc. Once someone dear to you repetitively drags you down, you will get scared or turn inside yourself more often to avoid this situation from happening.
This technique, combined with only receiving information from one person (some people are detached from family and friends) is a very toxic manipulation technique that most of the time always works.
Inflicting fear actually is one of the most important tools a person can use to gain control over another being. This technique is used for centuries and as well by governments or in wars. It is the repetition and lowering self esteem that are the root of trauma. How? Because by repetition something can become a subconsious habit, and this is exactly what survivors suffer most from once they are out of the bad situation. It can be in all shapes and forms: not daring to voice your opinion, running away when someone makes a certain gesture, feeling the need to defend yourself etc.
I personally struggled most with having a healthy argument in new relationships after the domestic one. I never wanted  to argue and wanted to sleep on the ground after (because I was used to having to sleep on the ground after an argument). A lot of these underlying trauma's can be solved by reprogramming them and unlearning them. Some ways to do this? That is the next topic <3

This can be your story

This can be your story coming soon!

My story

When I think about a few years back when I overcame one of my darkest periods of my life... a violent relationship.

Stripped away from my own opinion, self love and self worth... having to rebuild myself back up again from zero dealing with the fact that it’s hard to understand how I felt and what happend to me for others.

First thing I did after I got out of this relationship was participating in @missnederland to feel that I was in control again and was worthy of everything I wanted. But then I wasn’t ready... I wasn’t as confident as I used to be and I had no purpose to stand for.

But now I DO... it took me some time to start to openly talk about it, but on my healing journey I found out that a lot of people have been through domestic violence in all forms themselves. I was so shocked that no one ever really speaks about it and when they do they speak with shame.

Me standing proud and fighting against domestic violence is something that before I would never dare to do... when I came out of my violent relationship my reality was completely disorted and I didn’t even trust or believe in myself at all anymore. By traveling all by myself to Los Angeles as a beginning to grab my power and self acceptence back... I soon found out that even while I was starting to get better on the outside, some deep trauma was still on the inside.

For example, everytime I saw a certain car brand I got sooo scared or when I watched a violent movie I just started to panic and cry. Something that I didn’t feel coming at all but completely overwhelmed me!

I soon began to understand that the trauma was deeper than I thought and I started to become more spiritual which made me as well more accepting of me as a human being and young woman at the same time!

Even last year (4 years later) when I finally decided to go and talk to a psychologist, we both made the conclusion that I already was advanced in my healing and she asked me how I did it... I realized that by becoming more interested in spirituality I had at the same time tapped into something deeper than life itself which as well (I figured that out during the talk) made me tap into a deeper part of myself as well!

Understanding how powerful we are as human beings and how we can steer our minds to anything we wish (even healing traumas!!)
This, after mental treatment, is what I believe is the most important for survivors... because this is where they learn to tap into their own love and spiritual power that they so desperately, anxiously need and search for outside of themselves.

The most important step and which I believe is the first step, is to take away the control and fear that domestic violent survivors are left with when they come out of their situation. Scared that they or their family will get hurt by their abuser once they share their stories and tell the truth. There will be threats, and there will be fear, but I found out that I have all the power to decide if the fear exists or not and who I give the power of fear to. Once I realized the control I gave my abuser by fearing him even though he wasn't in my life any longer, I made a mental switch.

As children we are taught that no person should harm another person and if they do they will get punished, so why did I completely gave up on this lesson when I got hurt? It's because during the fear process you feel like you are not worth it or it is not bad enough to be taken action upon... but it is! Once I realized how blessed we are to be on earth in the first place and when I started meditating and more accepting of myself as an imperfect human being, I promised myself that I would never ever let anyone speak ill about me or treat me in a bad way. The power and self love that it gave me was overwhelming and made me realize that I owe it to others to share my story and make the biggest strength out of my once biggest weakness!

That is why I decided to start 'Power Circle Foundation' as the start of my life goal. A platform where all survivors can share their stories and healing journeys together in order to help each other and be sure that the world hears about them. Power circle will eventually be a story telling platform, motivational speakers platform and finally a working charity focusing on the mental recovery process of domestic violence survivors. I promised myself that I will never be silent or ashamed again about my story and that I will use every single tool and platform I am given to stand proud against domestic violence and I want you to be next!

Please read more about my story and speak with me, because truly... OUR VOICE IS THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON!